Famous. Last. Words.

I don’t fucking cry.

 

Fuck ‘em all. Trust a few.

I don’t trust you, missy.

 

If You Hear the “Fuck” in your Left Ear, Raise Your Left Hand.

Other Person:   I just don’t want it to be fucked up

H:                        It’s already fucked up. I told you that.

 

A Whole New Kind of Unfuckable

You just can’t seem to get yourself unfucked, can you?

 

Easy as Pie. Piece of Cake. Simple as Fucked.

They fucked you over. That simple.

 

Congrats, Heather.

Our company had an end-of-year meeting last night and gave out awards. Here’s the best one:

“People Who Say Blog-worthy Things Every Single Day”
Winner: Heather.

The fucking secret’s out.

 

Indigfuckingnation.

Don’t look indignant with me, buddy. I’m fucking helping you.

 

Stupid Person Quota, Reached.

I’m not bringing in another stupid person.

 

George Is Getting Angry

Tell COWORKER Heather thinks this is way too much fucking work.

 

So…Thinks My Other Coworker Says?

You want to die? You think I’m mean? …I’m only part-Irish-Italian. She’s full.

 

Urinary Inflection

And, say it with a pissy attitude!

 

Experience Level: Lots x 2

I built lots and lots of very complex sites.

 

Filing Fuck Ups

And then we have it in writing for when they fuck it up.

 

Hold a Gun to My Ears

You forced me to have to pay attention to you.

 

Out of U and Me

Let’s just assume it’s an overwhelming clusterfuck.

 

Yin, Yang. Kill a Person, Allocate a Person.

I’m going to kill you, because you keep on coming to me every day for a new person.

 

David Macauley’s Other Book

Yeah, see how that doesn’t work?

 

This Is Not Baseball

You look like you’re going to cry.

 

The Good Shit

Shit’s starting to make me happy now for the first time today.

 

Democratic Listening. Selective Potty-Mouthing.

I hear it all. I comment on only the obnoxious ones.

 

Survival Skills

I know how to survive in this place without a key fob.

 

Professional Copy Fucker

For the bottle one, we’re going to fuck with the copy.

 

Sound Thinking

Heather:                That’s client voice. I’m glad you noticed the difference.
Other Person:       Yeah, it was high pitched with less swearing.

 

Like. As if. Whatever. Fucker.

Like, how the fuck’s all that shit going to work?

 

Transfuckinglations

Let me get this out of your language and into mine.

 

Twice In One Day

Change your fucking attitude, buddy! I need more positivity around here!

 

Negative Attracts Positive

I need more positive reinforcement in my life, COWORKER.

 

Critical Path

Oh my God. That’s the most dangerous fucking option.

 

Monosyllabic Best Practices

YES or NO generally works! I’m putting it out in the universe.

 

Day and Night

You know I can’t stay up that late. I spend all my energy yelling at people.

 

Butter Her the Fuck Up

OTHER PERSON:   And, we don’t want you to be hungry.
H:                                That generally involves a lot of cursing.

 

Darn Freelancers

I just want to understand. You spent half of the last 3 months on vacation, and now you’re talking about socks. How much do we pay you??

 

Ain’t Just a River in Egypt

I didn’t even fucking say fuck to you fucking once.

 

Elastic Thinking

I have no sympathy for anyone’s waistline but mine.

 

This is not a headline.

I’m not fucking cursing at you!

 

The Other Office Vending Machine

Heather:             OK. Give me a dollar 25…50…dollar 50!
Other person:    I’m not supporting your coke habit.

 

Semantics, Fucker

I’m so sick of hearing fucking “guidelines.” I don’t believe you…This isn’t a guideline; it’s a plan!

 

Workload Distribution

I’ve had the hard conversations. I need you to go have the easy ones.

 

Ask Not, Want Not.

If anyone else wants a resource in the next week, they can fuck off.

 

Points for Gumption

This is not the argument that’s going to work on me. But I appreciate the attempt and the gumption you showed.

 

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Greg is not a dumpster to dump shit work into.

 

Getting in the Way of Failure

You keep not letting people fuck it up.

 

If At First You Don’t Succeed

It’s fucked up. Do it again. It’s fucked up. Do it again. It’s fucked up. Do it again.

 

It’s not whether YOU Win or Lose

Get back in your seat, and win me some awards!

 

Asspiration

You’re not there yet, but you have potential, jackass.

 

The First Step

Other Person:      Hey, Heather. How you doin’ over there?

H:                           I’ve got an attitude problem.

 

Politeness Mandatory (Exceptions: Heather)

This isn’t “I got…” Let’s start with “May I…”

 

If I Close My Eyes, I’m Invisible

I said, I’m ignoring things I don’t like.

 

Nightmare on Inbox Street

This is the email someone’s going to die for today.

 

If It Ain’t…

You’re going to break, aren’t you?